She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
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I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
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Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?