A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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