you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Randomize
