apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
