Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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