made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
