Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
