I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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