Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
