You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
