i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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