note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
