I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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