I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
