great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
