if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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