and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
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I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize