i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
