We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
