If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
