Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
