She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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