Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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