Someone shit on the floor
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
