Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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