omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
