I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
