Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
