if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
