it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
