There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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