just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
