i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
