My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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