halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
