Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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