Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
