is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
