come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
