I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How naked do you want me to be?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
