So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
