Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
