Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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