I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
