Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
