Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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