I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
