EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
