I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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