Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
