They should really pass out barf bags in church
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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