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Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
A bitchslap is in order.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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