Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
