Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
