i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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