Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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