Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
