I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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