I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
