If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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