Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
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my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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