last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
