I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
